Listen up, you absolute shower of arrowsmiths. Another week of "darts" has been played, and I use the term loosely. Watching some of these scorecards was like watching a toddler try to perform open-heart surgery with a blunt spoon. Let’s talk about Matt Nesic, our Division 1 hero who managed a 66.59 average and actually hit a 180. Congratulations, Matt, you’re the only person in this league who knows how a dartboard works—don't let the ego get too big, you’re still just the tallest midget in a room full of people throwing into the wall. Meanwhile, spare a thought for the Division 2 bottom-feeders. Chris Green? A 37.71 average? I’ve seen more precision from a drunk pigeon trying to land on a moving bus. You should be embarrassed, but looking at these stats, I suspect embarrassment is a foreign concept to most of you. David George apparently spent his entire week farming wins against people who seemingly forgot to turn up, while James Keen is out here picking up wins like he’s at a charity raffle. And Aaron Rowlstone? You spent all week slapping people 7-0 only to get absolutely dismantled by Ryan ‘Razzamataz’ Parker. "Razzamataz"? With a name like that, the only thing you should be throwing is a tantrum, but somehow you managed to take Aaron to the cleaners. Player of the Week: Matt Nesic. You’re clearly bored with the rest of this competition, and frankly, you should be. Keep it up, and you might actually get a proper game next time instead of bullying the local pub patrons. Choker of the Week: Chris Green. A 37.71 average is a hate crime against the sport of darts. If you throw like that again, I’m personally going to come down there and replace your flights with pieces of damp cardboard—you’ll probably hit the same numbers, but at least the cardboard would have more dignity. Next week, I expect better. If I see another average starting with a three, I’m suggesting the league committee bans you from touching sharp objects until you’ve completed a remedial course in basic coordination. Sort yourselves out, or find a hobby that involves less standing and more thinking—like competitive sleeping. See you on the oche, try not to hit the ceiling.